Now this is a holiday. We are living up the island life in Paje, eating crazy cheap seafood, bronzing our bottoms, and befriending three fabulous German lady friends.
Saturday night rolled around and we hit the local club with a healthy combination of wazungu’s (travellers) and locals, the live band was killin’ it and we all started swinging our hips to their African beats. Unfortunately, our dancing seemed to be some kind of mating call and we were instantly surrounded by men who didn’t seem to take the swinging elbows of ‘no’ for an answer.
My spirit animal is a lion, therefore, I do not do well with unwanted visitors to my pride. So, to avoid punching the next guy that gyrated me or my girls, I moved away from the dance floor.
There a mzungu guy came up to me and in a non-intrusive way introduced himself, saying he’d seen me earlier at the beach. Being the insane fantasizer that I am, I immediately had a flash to the scene of our wedding, and him reading his vows saying that he’d first spotted my glowing redhead on the tropical beach of Zanzibar.
Back in the real world, we danced, drank wine, danced, drank more wine, and eventually got into some PDA (Public Display of Affection), a rarity for me. The girls were ready to leave and I, realising how wasted I was, knew it was time to go. Beach Boy asked if he could join and vagina and myself slurred yes.
The only issue was that Mumma Africa and I were the only two occupying our 20 bed dorm. I had a quick discussion to see what she thought and the legend said she didn’t care if Beach Boy and I banged metres from her head. Beach Boy decided that wasn’t his jam and instead got the night watch men to show him where the private chalet keys were, he then helped himself to the room 14 key and in we went.
We got down on it and I soon had that not so fun realisation during sex of just how fucking wasted I was. The sex was fun but I could hardly see the dudes face. After two ridiculously hot rounds, we’re talking humidity hot here, I passed out in a pool of our sweat.
I awoke early, desperate for an AGB (After Grog Bog, aka: big shit after drinking) and rushed to the ensuite loo. I totally stunk out the place and tip toed back to the bed hoping the smell wouldn’t waft in after me and wake/suffocate him.
Getting into bed with my now soberish eyes, I looked upon this ‘husband material’ Beach Boy’s face, I could no longer see what it was I had been so into only hours earlier?
I woke him up and said that I thought we should sneak out of the room ASAP, to avoid being caught and made to pay. He agreed and we went about turning the sex/AGB stenched room into a seemingly unused suite. We stumbled around tidying up then houdinied out of the room like two sex criminals. I gave him a quick goodbye and off he went agreeing that if our crime was discovered we would split the cost.
Upstairs the girls were together having breakfast, with no worker in sight I ran behind the counter and returned key 14 then joined the girls. They all laughed at my perfect crime and asked to hear the tale. Mid tale Mumma Africa chimes in “where’s you’re other earring?”
Round two of stealth began. I re-stole the key, snuck in, tore the room apart, found said earring, cleaned up, snuck out, and re-returned key.
By this stage my hangover was raging but I accepted the German girls’ invitation to the beach, it was their last day and I had FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).
A few metres down the road in the scorching heat I was wet with sweat and feeling like a bag of dicks, my stomach had been gurgling and it suddenly gave a gurgle so loud that in stomach language, I can only assume translates to “Bitch, you in trouble”. I looked at Mumma Africa in wide eyed panic, and what followed was pretty much the exact scene from Bridesmaids, minus the wedding dress.
Yep, I painted my favourite white shorts, and the streets of Zanzibar brown.
You got that yeah? I shat myself.
Have you ever shat yourself as an adult? Better yet have you shat yourself during sex? Tell me all the dirty goss!
(To remain anonymous, you can make up your own dirty little sex name)