So here I was, mere days before my departure and I seemed to have exhausted all penis possibilities in my life. I made peace with this fact and was content to be celibate until Africa.
Silly me should have known, my life is not one of contentment.
At my going away event I met a pretty boy, we shall call him Devil Boy. After some steady flirtation, it was agreed that he and his friends would join my friend’s after party. We spent a few more hours flirting, getting wankered and me teaching everyone some yoga, nothing like showing a man what bendable positions can be achieved later on. Naturally the night ended where they all seem to, at Revs. I was beyond exhausted and really didn’t want to go, but Devil Boy insisted I come. We all piled into seperate taxis and I said I’d meet him there. But he never rocked up. I sat on the couch like a grumpy disappointed mess until I could no longer stand waiting, and left. I told a friend that if he rocked up to tell him I’d tried to wait.
Mere minutes after I got into my bed my phone went off. It was my friend informing me that Devil Boy had just arrived and was looking for me. She passed him the phone and through the techno he shouted that he was sorry but he’d been looking for his lost phone. I told him not to worry and that if he still wanted to see me he should ask my friend for my address. Whilst waiting to hear if he would come I spruced my room and myself up, then popped on a cute ‘come bang me’ nighty. My friend text again saying Devil Boy was on route with a napkin map she’d hand-drawn, how good are friends? I waited and waited, and sipped tea, and waited. I went down the street wandering if he’d maybe inverted the apartment and house numbers, I waited some more, I couldn’t contact the guy as he still didn’t have a phone, so disappointed yet again, I masturbated and passed out.
I woke the following day expecting an apology message etc, only to find my phone screen blank. I was completely mystified, had he bailed on me? Had his napkin map lead him to another horny and waiting girl’s home? Had he died? I at least wanted an explanation.
Another day passed and I arrived home to find some chocolates on my door step, attached with a note from Devil Boy. Turns out he did invert the house numbers and was banging at a strangers house at six in the morning. Anyway, I was bloody flattered by a box of chocolates from a guy who had failed to find his way to my place for a fuck. I invited him back over and our paths finally collided. His company in the soberness of my bedroom was interesting, he’s a devilish kind of boy that leads a devilish kind of lifestyle. However, he was fucking hot and he was in my room.
I had gotten my period that morning and decided not to let it ruin our plans, we started to get it on and I knew I was in for a goodie. He was a slowwwww fore-player, ravishing every inch of my skin, he finally started to make his way south so I felt it time to reveal that I had my period. It was apparent from the look in his eyes that he wasn’t in the mood to be a red bearded pirate. He didn’t seem to want to bloody his sword either. But you see, I have a way of making men change their minds. I said no sex was fine by me, but then stealthily began grinding him, knickers on. It took maybe two minutes before he changed his mind and slipped that throbbing beast into me.
Well guess what happened next, I, ‘a wannabe red head,’ had my first EVER orgasm from sex, on my period, with my menstrual cup in!!! I was in such utter shock after the orgasm-wave ran through me that I literally stopped fucking him before he’d cum. Now I know you’re probably shocked to hear this, and I have had orgasms, just never ones from penetration, I’m usually too up in my faux-red-head. He asked me if I was okay and I shared my story. He left that night with a big fat, not Dolmio, grin on his face.
And so it was, I had successfully tied up my year with telling my disrespectful English Boy where to go. I had re-fucked two old flames, one which I never want to see again, the other whose chapter I feel is not fully finished. And I managed to find myself a Devil Boy who broke my orgasmless curse.
Melbourne 2017: You chewed me up. But I spat myself outta there, via aeroplane into mother flippin Africa.
2018, come at me.