Since the German, I have well and truly found my way back into the single gal groove. It’s funny how you can, unintentionally / totally intentionally, loose that when ‘not dating’ a guy for 5 months.
A summary of my leg fillers of late:
– The Native American / German, yeah another German
Found him on Feeld, an app for sexually explorative persons like myself. He came over for a ‘let’s meet and see if we wanna bang’ coffee. There weren’t exactly sparks flying but I was ready to jump onto a fresh D, and so welcomed the booty call which came the next day. We banged in my shower, and he actually managed to give fab shower head which I think is impressive af when you’re not wearing a snorkel. We moved our sesh to the bedroom and when he was about to reach his crescendo, he barked for me to ‘take his big German dick.’ You can imagine this is not the dirty talk I was wanting to hear.
Afterwards, he kept talking at me. He was one of those guys who likes to talk about boring subjects in order to ooze intelligence. I’d honestly rather talk about farts. So when he tried to go again I thanked him for the good ride, but would have to pass on round two.
– The Buff English Boy
I spied him at the beach, liked what I saw and delivered my number to his friends after eye-fucking him for an almost uncomfortable amount of time. We went rock-climbing as a date. A few girlfriends called me insane for suggesting rock-climbing as a first date. I strongly disagree and in fact think it’s the perfect first date; you get to do a ‘I’m a cool alternative Melbourne chick’ activity, you spend money on something other than alcohol, you don’t have to stare at each others faces, you get a work out, and you get to give them a view of your sweet ass as you ascend the wall.
Despite my TripAdvisor positive reviews on the date, I don’t think it was for him. He was this big bulky guy, but he clearly just does dead weights at the gym, never really applying his hulk strength into real life scenarios, like dragging yourself up a wall.
The whole time he was super self conscious and rather than just giving difficult reaches a go, he would freeze, then get off the wall and declare he couldn’t do it. I know what you might be thinking; ‘don’t give the guy such a hard time, maybe he’s scared of heights’ or ‘aww that’s endearing.’
But seriously, I had only just stopped seeing the most confident, egotistic, ‘just do it’ guy, and I found it really unattractive for someone to not back themselves.
We migrated from climbing to a bar, we took one step inside and the stale scent of alcohol and regrets visibly relaxed his big-ass shoulders. This was a man who needed liquid courage on his dates, one pint down and he finally started to warm up. I was meant to be driving myself home but he tactically bought me drink after drink, soon rendering me unable to drive, and therefore in need of accomodation… sly. Drinks turned to dinner and though the conversation was flowing I couldn’t help but feel that I was signing up to be his life coach. He spoke negatively about most topics and I spent the majority of the evening positively reframing his outlook. Still, with my belly full from the Thai swimming in a healthy amount of beer, I was enjoying myself enough to happily head back to his.
In the dim light of his bleak shoebox room we started to get it on. Not long into the session he paused to inform me that it had been a long time since he’d slept with anyone. Just what you want to hear when you’re balls deep in a 69’er. Eventually it was bed time and I began to chastise myself for becoming stranded, my bowels were making all too familiar rumbles that only lead to trouble. I spent the night spreading my ass cheeks apart to let my Thai/Beer farts seep out silently, overall it was a less than elegant experience. He drove me to my car in the morning, then text me that afternoon saying he’d had a great time. The guy did all the right things, but when you’re not feelin it, you’re not feelin it. I told him I too had enjoyed myself, however didn’t vibe a connection and I hoped he has a great life. #honestypolicy
– The Toothless Man
So I lassoed this guy from Revs. He was a barrel of laughs in the smokers area and when we got home, he sexily revealed his missing front tooth by taking out his retainer. At the unholy hour of 7am I thought this was the greatest thing ever. After our rendezvous he went offshore for work and we kept in Snapchat contact for about three weeks. They were meaningful Snaps, such as nudes with bitmojis of myself riding a surfboard over my tits, or him naked with a gun emoji over his dick. Upon his return I was showered with hook-up requests. The guy had obviously not rooted for 3 weeks and was a keen bean to ride his own surfboard on my tits. I was out one Friday and he kept hassling me to meet up. I picked him up and much to my disgust, he was bogan-wasted, and didn’t even have his fucking TOOTH IN. Like come on, it was our second meeting, if I can still manage to hide my flatulent nature, you can wear your tooth. We drove back to mine and he was a totally obnoxious uncool drunk, I was thinking how to exit the situation but thought fuck it.
The sex was honestly so mediocre as all I could focus on was the gaping hole in his mouth. Eventually I told him I was done and we went to sleep. In the morning he asked if he was drunk last night and I told him straight out that he was a wanker. He apologised and we had much nicer sex, then I waved him goodbye knowing fully well I’d never see the toothless man again.
The next night, Saturday. I was at the end of a raucous girls night out. One of those nights where your friend lives about 5 mins away from you but getting home on your own seems unmanageable. So my friend, her housemate Ziggy, and I went back to theirs. Once settled on the couches, with some post party snacks in hand, the conversation naturally progressed to talking about threesomes. Ziggy says that she would love to have one, I reply that I’d be down if she got a guy along and she eagerly asks if I mean it. Wasted me was like yeahhhhhh I do em all the time (I’ve had two) and Ziggy’s like, well we don’t have a guy but I still wanna experiment, then shoots me a seductive look. I’m pancaked on a beanbag by this stage and happily reply ‘sure why not!’
Not really thinking about what I had just agreed too I stumbled off to the loo. When I come out Ziggy ambushes me with her mouth, we have a lil make out then my other mate declares that she is off to bed. So the three of us head upstairs, only I change my sleeping arrangements from a friendship cuddle with my mate to unknown girl-on-girl adventures with Ziggy.
We got into her room and went at it like dirty little rabbits. I watched us in the mirror and thought DAMN, people would pay good fucking money to see this shit. I was totally into this hot little bundle of fun, I liked having things done to me, and when it was my turn to be the giver I gave it a red hot go, fucking props to anyone who is a great pussy eater, it is a fucking maze down there.
After eventually passing out in a postcoital cuddle, we slept in, banged again in the morning and she was eager for me to cum but no climax was achieved. As soon as the morning session was finished our conversation transitioned from lovers to friends, we bummed around her room and talked shit for hours. When I was eventually ready to hit the road Ubers were majorly surging, so what does the legend do, she offers to drive me home. We both bitch about how hungry we are so stop off and get Ziggy burgers ;)…then she bought me my mother flippin burger AND chips.
Like WTF. No male has come near this amount of courtesy. The dude the previous night didn’t even have the decency to wear his tooth.
I dead set wish I loved a puss-pie. But I simply can’t deny, its D the that’s the apple of my eye.