HELLO I’M A WANNABE REDHEAD AND IF SOMEONE DOESN’T GIVE ME A TV SHOW OR SIGN ME UP FOR A BOOK CONTRACT STAT THEY’RE A FOOL.
It’s 8pm and I’m rushing out of the house for date with super fucked up sexual talking , self-proclaimed ‘deep ass licker and pussy worshiper’. Get to date, man is shorter than hoped but I’m trying to push past that recurring issue. Ask if we should get a beer, Ass-licker says ‘I don’t drink beer’.
We stand up to go get me a beer, whilst walking Ass-licker brings up some sexual inuedo we have previously been discussing over text, something about my panties being wet. Like woahhhh buddy, I’m a dirty bitch via text and in the comfort of my home but not at a fucking bar, well not with him. I deflect dirty comment with sideways glance that says ‘don’t say that shit to me at a bar in front of real people’.
We sit down, he continues to attempt erotic conversation, I’m deflecting better than Williams in an intense set of tennis. Eventually trying to make normal conversation I mention that I play soccer, Ass-licker says ‘ooh so your thighs are strong to hold yourself on top of my face….at this retarded moment I have completely tuned out BECAUSE, WALKING IN THE DOOR IS NONE OTHER THAN THE MOTHER FUCKING PILOT AND HIS FAMILY.
For those not entirely in the loop, The Pilot is my most recent completely psycho X, who is still messaging me to this day but refuses to see me or date me because it’s ‘too unfair’.
The family sit two fucking seats away from us with The Pilot and I’s chairs literally facing each other. Ass-licker asks what has happened as I’ve completely tuned out of his D-grade public erotica and I tell him my X has just sat down behind him.
To which he responds ‘who is more attractive?’
STRIKE 8 MOTHER FUCKER YOU ARE COOKED.
To Ass-lickers credit he and I attempt to solider through the date, he does have an interesting career and tells me I smell nice, though he’d hoped I’d smell of ‘wetness’. I literally consider sleeping with the guy just to get out of the pub and because really he’s not thattttt bad, nice face, surely good in bed?
I go to the toilet and text the girls, tell them wtf is up and they tell me to immediately abort mission.
Upon returning to the table I tell Ass-licker we’re leaving, completey avoiding The Pilots eye range, though I can feel him boring into me, Ass-licker gives me a ‘yeahhhhh lets goooo’ look and we walk out.
Outside I say ‘I’m sorry man but this just can’t happen, I thought I was okay with seeing my X but I’m just not’. He is understanding, tries to kiss-change my mind, I am under-whelmed, walk home, scream over the phone and write this.
Your sincerely, my life is a TV show and I wish my hair was really red.